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My stepfamily – my brother, brother’s wife, and her kids (which he adopted) – have many wonderful qualities, but organisation is not one of Sisters of Mercy Body Electric Shirt. Even when I was 15 my brother (18 years older than me) would call me, panicking, on Christmas Eve, wanting me to come shopping and help pick out stuff for his girlfriend. Now that he’s married and in his fifties, he no longer calls me for shopping help, but I expect he still leaves a lot of it till Christmas Eve. This year I’ve been texting him and my niece since September, asking what to get for my nephew and his partner (who I don’t know that well, and I’ve never met his partner), my niece’s partner (ditto), and five kids (I was never an average kid and have no idea what to buy children, as shown by a couple years ago, when I bought the 3-year-old a box set of the Chronicles of Narnia, and then was startled when I was gently told that 3-year-olds can’t read. I taught myself to read with Enid Blyton at 3, and my dad gave me Narnia by the end of that year, but apparently this is not the norm).

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In terms of skills it depends what position they are moving from and to, but I think a season of training with a pro side and some regional amateur rugby games in the lower leagues followed by 1-2 seasons playing below the top flight would be required, if they had the right attributes to reach the top flight. It could be 2 years in total for a winger, or 4 for a more involved position with higher technical and tactical requirements. A player with exceptional physical attributes like being able to run a sub-11 second 100m at 275lbs and a lethal side-step or being fit at 300lbs and immensely strong and Tampa Bay Buccaneers Santa Christmas Sweater explosive might make it earlier as their attacking threat with the ball in hand would do more to cancel out their shortcomings than a more physcially average player.

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